Throughout my entire pregnancy, my due date had been ever-changing - 28th January, 18th January, 10th January - it was never constant. "Peanut" had some growth issues in the beginning, and needed frequent scans to ensure he was on par with where he should be. At my 20 week scan i was informed "Peanut" was breech and back to back (stubborn git!) which ultimately if he didn't turn, i would have to take some different procedures of ways of giving birth into place.
My next inital scan was at 32 weeks, where once again we were represented with a breech and back-to-back baby. My consultant gave me 3 options, but realistically there was only one we could choose. 1 was being a procedure called an ECV, where doctors and nurses manually turn your baby for you. This, i was told, was slightly risky and often caused distress to the baby, and sometimes resulted in an emergency c-section. He also only gave me a 23% chance of "Peanut" actually turning and a 6% chance of "him" staying in the head down position after the ECV. Option 2 was to give birth naturally, and as my consultant gave me this option he kept shaking his head no. He said based on the size of "Peanut" and my small frame, that it would be EXTREMELY painful (i mean, labour is going to be, isn't it?!) and could result in "Peanut" becoming stressed and again resulting in a c-section. Or option 3 - an Elective C-Section, meaning i choose to be cut open and my baby removed from my womb.
Now i wont lie. I in-visioned my labour and birth to my child to be all rainbows and glitter, with a waterbirth and scented candles with relaxing music. Yeah. Im naieve. And that idea preeeety much went out the window at this appointment. I didn't know what to do. My basic only choice was to have a c-section. That or a ECV which could result in a c-section, but with extremely slim chances of "Peanut" staying in that position. The consultant paused and myself and partner looked at each other - he could see that by then i was totally and utterly scared stiff-less. Would it be worth trying the ECV? We went to thank the Consultant and leave the room, go for a coffee and decide what to do, what was best for our child, when he asked us where we were going. He needed an answer there and then as if i were going to a c-section, they needed to book me in. Today.
Again, i wont lie, my heart skipped a few beats and sheer panic ran through my body. My partner could see me becoming distressed and asked for a few minutes alone. I've NEVER been admitted to hospital. Ive never been ill and needed to go to hospital, this would be my first ever major hospital appointment/stay of my life. I hated hospitals with a passion. The thought of being operated on terrified me, and the fact it was a major surgery and my child's entry to the world was riding on it was even more scary. I was petrified. I felt claustrophobic in that room suddenly, i was working myself into such a state. Realistically i had no choice - it was a c-section.
The consultant came back into the room and asked what my decision was, i hastily and nervously told him it was a c-section and he pulled out a pile of paperwork for me to read through and sign - agreement to abdominal surgery and declaration that i was fit and healthy etc. It just scared me even more. He left me to it and disappeared from the room. 10 minutes later he came back in, handed me all my paper work and told me the appointment where i would be meeting my son for the first time ever, was January 7th.
Theres something not so nice about being told your child will be born on *blah* day. I wanted that initial "OH MY GOD IM IN LABOUR" moment. I wanted the panic and the not knowing what to do. I wanted to be able to call people and say "OUR SON HAS JUST BEEN BORN!!" But knowing he was due to make an appearance on a specific date, i felt, selfishly, that it ruined my pregnancy for me. That all my hard work of baking this baby was for "nothing". Not that i ment nothing, i was going to be getting a beautiful baby from it all at the end, but that i wouldn't get to experience a real proper labour, and physically have to work hard to bring my son into the world. I kept beating myself up over it all, and cried myself to sleep for 2 whole weeks solid over being so scared of the impending surgery i would be going under. The unknown was what was killing me inside - the not knowing what to expect. It was horrid.